Miark

Aug. 8th, 2010

(no subject)

I'm switching to Tumblr.

Update your bookmarks or whatever: http://miark.tumblr.com

I won't be updating here any more. I'll be migrating my favorite entries from this journal to the Tumblr over the next few weeks, so if you follow now you can get a good "Best of Miark's Bullshit"

Aug. 5th, 2010

Friend Request

Dear Facebook,

I don't remember anyone from high school who looked anything like this:

Photobucket

That her only interest is "Top Gear" doesn't help narrow it down!

Jul. 11th, 2010

Sometimes you gotta roll a hard 20

Tell me what you make of this:

This morning I dreamed I was in New York City in a Nerd Store (they call them "Hobby Stores" or "Game Shops" but they carry things like comic books, Magic: The Gathering, pewter miniatures and polyhedral dice – let's call a spade a spade).

I made a beeline straight for the D&D Manuals, but couldn't find anything above 2nd Edition so was losing interest, when suddenly I realized that I was surrounded by attractive men. These men weren't attractive in the conventional sense; they were still scraggly nerds, but I realized in that moment that I was attracted to them because they were, after all, my people.

I had my eye on one long-haired beauty browsing the WarHammer supplements, when I was blindsided by a bearded, lebanese poindexter in a Battlestar Galactica baseball T.

"I'd like to buy you a pint of warm beer," he said, to which I replied, "that's the best offer I've had all year."

I know it's risky, socially, but... should I pursue this?

Jul. 5th, 2010

KFC

I know what you're thinking, but I swear you are awake and this is real life.

I could have had a photo of the actual menu-board from KFC today, but my camera phone continues to betray me every chance I give it. Anyway, the cute Australian guy selling us our sin was patient, and when our giggling finally showed signs of quieting down, he condescended to take our order:

Handsome Australian Chicken-Slinger: Hello.
Ben: Hi, what can you tell us about the Boxmaster?
HACS: The Boxmaster?
Ben: The Boxmaster.
HACS: Do you mean what, specifically, is in the Boxmaster?
Ben: Yes, what, specifically, is in the Boxmaster?
HACS: (to the guy in the kitchen two feet behind him) What, specifically, is in the Boxmaster?
Kitchen Guy: Hashbrowns.
Ben: ...
Mark: ... gross.
Ben: Ok, we'll have two Twister combos, one with extra mayo, and the Boxmaster. Not the combo though. Just the 'master on its own.

This is what they print on the packaging for the Boxmaster:

ACTUALLY!

Note the brushed steel motif. It's obvious, even to me, that they have ignored the female demographic completely here. Can you image a lady walking into KFC, seeing this on the menu, then actually ordering it?

Jun. 29th, 2010

SYTYCCD

This is Butters.

Butters is willful and disobedient. We've learned that regular methods of punishing Butters for his transgressions are 100% ineffective, so lately I've been trying new tactics: this week, every time he misbehaves, I teach Butters how to "dance."

For example, today, after I caught Butters eating my iPod headphones, he learned the Frugue.

He's actually becoming quite an accomplished dancer!

Jun. 26th, 2010

Dear Facebook Horoscope,

This could not be more vague.

-m

Jun. 19th, 2010

This afternoon

(the following via text)

Mark: Brian, we're in your yard drinking and sunning ourselves like beached belugas

Brian: Greenpeace are on their way (and I'll also be there shortly)

Ben: Tell them to bring a crane, two gurneys, and a bucket of whale oil

We also did some brainstorming:

A brotherhood of titties in college = Fraternititties
Titties who teach together at the same institution = Facultitties
Titties who grant asylum to refugees = Amnestitties
Titties who are approaching earth but can't accelerate further = Terminal Velocititties
Titties whose hair stands on end = Static Electricititties
Tittes that endure forever = Eternititties/Infinititties
Titties who win a vote = Majorititties
Titties who have to fight for their civil rights = Minorititties
Titties who prefer that their identities remain unknown = Anonymititties
Titties that ring a bell = Familiarititties
Titties who think they're better than everyone else = Superiorititties
Titties who accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior = Christianititties
Titties whose weight may be dangerous to their health = Obesititties
The Queen's Titties = Her Majestitties

Those are just the ones I remember - we riffed on this game for several hours.

SINGLE AND LOVING IT!

May. 28th, 2010

(no subject)

Ben: How do I wash this shirt?

Mark: What does the tag say?

Ben: ...Le Châteaux.

Mark: The other tag.

Ben: "Wash in cold water with like, colors."

Mark: ....like colors. Colors that are alike.

Ben: Oh... Ok I'm doing a load of lime greens, do you have anything you want me to throw in there?

May. 13th, 2010

(no subject)

May. 9th, 2010

The queen is dead. Long live the queen.

Today I practiced drawing whales:

Then I found a cat-shirt and tried to put it on, but it didn't fit:

I really need to lose 5 pounds.

Ok I know it kind of seems like I've gone off the deep end here (right? it's weird enough just to even have a cat-shirt in the house), but I'm ok! I'm just trying to have a good time.

May. 8th, 2010

(no subject)

Tina: I lived in China for a while.

Mark: Oh, cool! Did you pick up any Chinese while you were there?

Tina: ...what you mean like, food? Or people?

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Apr. 27th, 2010

(no subject)

I just got baked and then found this in the fridge:

There can't be a heaven better than this.

Apr. 15th, 2010

You get Sprung

The air is heating up and I can smell city smells.

Perfume and leather, asphalt and deep fried food. Breakfast, cigar smoke, and sweet gasoline. In spite of me, my mouth is a snarl of carnivorous joy.

The magnolia trees on my walk home are exploding like slow-motion fireworks. I'm hypnotized. I love my life. God, I need to get laid.

Ben: People go their whole lives trying to find something to love. I've found it. Hamburgers. I love hamburgers. I love... hamburgers.

Apr. 14th, 2010

A fine tradition

At PureSafety I had an Outlook folder for projects whose assets (files) I had wiped (deleted). For brevity and for chuckles, I named the folder "Ass. Wipe". The joy was neverending.

Now it falls upon me at work to organize quality-related "Follow Up" calls, and support-related "Support/Technical Follow Up" calls.

It's surprising how much it soothes my work rage to file calls into the FU folder and the STFU folder.

Apr. 12th, 2010

UPDATE

Naturally, I forgot to bring the bathroom key back to work today. It was a bad day for office poopers.

Apr. 9th, 2010

(no subject)

I accidentally took home the 2nd floor bathroom key from work.

This means that until I return the key:

1) Nobody can poop at work

2) Everybody will know that I poop at work

GUESS WHICH ONE STRESSES ME OUT MORE

Apr. 5th, 2010

Symbolism

Ben: I had a crazy dream last night.

Mark: Tell me about your crazy dream.

Ben: I dreamed I was on a plane, on my way to these islands, and I had a box. And in the box was a lobster, and the lobster had goggles on, and a key. And when I got there, there were all these people from my high school. And they were still cunts!

Posted at 12:21 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Mar. 28th, 2010

(no subject)

Ben: I think men and women experience anal sex the same way.

Mark: Physically, no.

Ben: No seriously, I think if you poled all the men and women in North America...

Mar. 26th, 2010

Ben gets home

I only had one toke, and it was three hours ago! I'm so stoned.

You seem pretty lucid to me. You're following long, complex trains of thought, here.

Let's go back to what we were talking about before.

The world is ending?

No, after that.

The fact that we have no friends?

Closer...

Being alone?

Bingo!

Posted at 11:46 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

#facebookadsyncronicity

Posted at 11:02 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Mar. 24th, 2010

Like

Mar. 20th, 2010

JWB Uncut

THIS.

It's especially funny in the "Life after the incident" section. "In December 1997, Lorena made news when she was charged with assault for punching her mother. . ."

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Mar. 19th, 2010

(no subject)

OH HAY BEYONCE

Mar. 18th, 2010

Suggested names for a betting game show starring Bette Middler

You Bettecha!
Bette Your Bottom Dollar
A Bette's a Bette!
You Wanna Bette?
You Bette Your Ass!

Posted at 07:01 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Love

Ben: Don't eat the ham now, you'll spoil your dinner!

Mark: Don't tell me what not to eat!

Ben: Don't tell me what not to tell you! *touches ham and smells fingers*

Mark: Don't smell your fingers!

Ben: Don't tell me what not to do with my fingers!

Posted at 05:37 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Mar. 16th, 2010

Mythical Charge

Jon Arkle (the guy who summons birds) is in Sweeney Todd with me. This video is hysterical, please share it so he wins!

Mar. 12th, 2010

Fail

Mar. 8th, 2010

whendidieatcorn.com

Just wanted to let you guys know that I registered my first domain today:

Mar. 1st, 2010

Feeding Scrapples

I've been addicted to a Facebook game called Pet Society for some time. It's shameful, but they really know how to press my buttons with a cavalcade of cuteness.

For example, they leverage my guilt thusly: every time I log in, my pet, Gronald, is frowning and covered in flies, and needs to be washed and brushed. It sounds upsetting, but even the flies are adorable. And they've recently introduced PETS FOR YOUR PETS. So now I have to worry about feeding Scrapples.

I've been really wanting to quit Pet Society for a while now, but every time I think I've had enough, something else cute happens, like Kate sending me this little Bread today:

Honestly, tell me how the hell I'm supposed to walk away from that.

I wish I knew how to quit you, Bread.

Feb. 25th, 2010

bb&b

I realize telling people (especially in a blog) about your dreams is like showing people pictures of your baby and/or cats, but I keep dreaming of these glory moments and I can't keep them to myself.

This morning I dreamed I was on a bus, telling the people sitting next to me, "Yeah sometimes I masturbate in bed. Sometimes I masturbate in the bath. And sometimes I masturbate.... beyond."

Feb. 14th, 2010

Greeting and Grilling with Apple

This is the dream I just had:

I'm walking through Save On Foods trying to buy tomatoes, but Apple has scored a huge contract with the fucking Olympics, and there is just iPhone merchandise EVERYWHERE. Really stupid merchandise too, like greeting cards with bodybuilding dogs using iPhones, and iPhone-themed grilling sets (like an apron with an iPhone embroidered on the front and a pair of grilling tongs that you can hook up to your iPhone)

Finally I find my tomatoes, but there are a bunch of juiced up dudes (à la Jersey Shore, but not in a good way) at the check-out in front of me, talking about their iPhones.

"Hey dude, check out this app I downloaded for my iPhone, it can blah blah blah blah"

"Oh dude, dude, look at this new iPhone cover I got for my iPhone, it's waterproof, windproof, soccerproof, and bulletproof."

"Hey man, have you seen the new iPhone? It's fucking sick dude!"

ETCETERA

So I was about ready to choke a bitch, so I turned around in exasperation and said,

"DUUUUUUUUUUDE, check this out, my new iPhone FUCKED MY MOM and she gave birth to a baby that ages twice as fast as regular babies and now he's a DOCTOR AND A LAWYER."

Feb. 8th, 2010

(no subject)

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Feb. 7th, 2010

(no subject)

This morning, after waking up at 8:30 in (basically) a stranger's apartment, I walked the walk of shame to the skytrain, looking and smelling all the way like a hot bag of cat ass.

Now I'm sitting in my own filth watching "Little Giants" with the sound off. Starring Rick Moranis and this kid, it reads like a mix between The Mighty Ducks, The Sandlot, and Honey I Shrunk My Career. It also has Ed O'Neill in short shorts. Morning wood!

Ben, as hung over as I am, just leaned over to see what I was blogging and said, "Can I reading?" We'll be driving home soon, not confident we won't die in a fiery crash.

I'm starting to realize that my hair and Rick Moranis's hair circa 1994 have some striking similarities.

Feb. 5th, 2010

(no subject)

Mark: Wow, Toyota's fucked. That was a sweet apology though. "Toyota is safety."

Ben: I love Japanese business.

Mark: I know, it's so cute!

Ben: ...

Mark: ...that was the most racist thing I've ever said.

Jan. 28th, 2010

(no subject)

Ben: I just read that when Tchaikovsky killed himself...
Me: I didn't know that he killed himself.
Ben: Yeah, they knew he was depressed, and suicidal, but they just found out that he was gay.
Brian: (without missing a beat) I heard he got caught getting Rachmaninoff.

Posted at 10:12 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Jan. 25th, 2010

(no subject)

Color me dying to see the John Edwards sex tape.

Jan. 18th, 2010

(no subject)

GUESS WHO I FOUND UNDER THE OVEN

Jan. 6th, 2010

(no subject)

TV: ...and so this is Christmas...
Ben: Oh god... I don't care about the African children!
Me: The African children care about you, Ben.
Ben: They don't care about a cup of rice a day.
Me: You don't know what they care about.
Ben: Well they obviously don't care about flies on their face.

Jan. 4th, 2010

god, to be crime

I'm sorry, but I may be turning into a mustache-liker. This may not necessarily translate into me being a mustache-haver, but consider this:

Really, I mean what's not to boner?

Dec. 24th, 2009

Not so silent night

Tonight I had to grab a sharpie and go on a mission of mercy.

Also found on my camera, a showdown:

*le sigh*

Dec. 20th, 2009

My mom is hilarious

Sometimes it's overwhelming how much I love her.

Dec. 18th, 2009

(no subject)

Posted at 04:09 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

I guess we talk about sex a lot

Ben: ...so when I have sex, I try to make it as pornogriphic as possible.

Mark: ...

Grant: ...Pornographic?

Mark: Pornogriphic sounds like a mythological beast. The Pornogriff!

Can someone please go into MS paint and draw me a Pornogriff?

Posted at 03:51 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Dec. 16th, 2009

(no subject)

Shane: We hooked up, but we didn't have "sex" sex.

Mark: I consider that sex.

Ben: Yeah, anything is sex if there's two men who intend to cum.

Mark: Yeah, it really comes down to Intent to Cum. There should be a legal term, something latin like habeus corpus.

Ben: Habeus Caucus!

Dec. 14th, 2009

(no subject)

By "looking into new options" I guess I mean "sitting on the couch all day eating baby carrots and playing 90's video games alone."

(no subject)

NOOOOOOO!!!! Livejournal screwed up my custom page style, and I can't recover it. Looking into new options (possibly a new host that is more appropriate for persons over the age of 14).

Posted at 11:35 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

But it is kind of apt

Gosh, if I had a nickel for every time I've felt / been told I am like "a bear with a sore head", I would have .... absolutely zero nickels.

So crazy.

Tags: bear with a sore head, not an actual expression, so crazy

Posted at 11:19 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Share

Dec. 7th, 2009

Deck the huarrrrggh

Ben pulled this out of a box of christmas decorations:

It really puts the "Christ!" back in Christmas, doesn't it?

My initial reaction was (and still is) terror, but I also respect it for being disgusting in so many different ways:

it is a severed head
the hair
the eye
ruby red lips
the color scheme
are those tentacles?
it is pure evil
dear god I can't even

Right now it's on the tree, but I won't be surprised to see it relocate of its own volition to other places around the house (above the shower, in my bedroom where I sleep, reflected in shiny surfaces but when you turn around it's gone, etc).

( some other (unrelated) pics from my camera )

Dec. 6th, 2009

(no subject)

I stay up late a lot. In the morning/afternoon when I wake up, I don't always remember the things I did before bed, but I always appreciate the evidence in my Google search bar:

Dec. 4th, 2009

Boy Meets Tequila Shots

I got so stupidly drunk last night that at some point I woke up and was convinced I had hooked up with Topanga from Boy Meets World. I couldn't figure out how I was going to handle the situation in the morning.

Fortunately, it was actually just Shawn. Much less awkward!*

*still kind of awkward

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